Things I thought…

…but didn’t say. Insert your own context as you wish…just know that each one is different. :)
……………………………………
“you are beautiful.”
“you are strong.”
“you are hilarious.”
“you are so talented.”
“you made my whole afternoon/day/week/life better just by being you.”
“you are valuable.”
“you are brave.”
“you’re cool. can we be friends?”
“i think i love you and it scares me.”
“i’m lonely.”
“i need to be alone right now”
“please ask me. please?”
“PLEASE! for heaven’s sake don’t ask!”
“it’s not you. it’s me.”
“it’s not me. it’s you.”
“if you try to get that close, i will inevitably hurt you. when it happens, please don’t take it personally.”
“i really do care about you.”
“i hate what happened to you.”
“i will listen if you will talk.”
“i’m afraid.”
“i’m insecure right now.”
“i am weak.”
“i need help.”
“can i help?”
“what happened? was it something i did/said?”
“i’m sorry. i was wrong.”
“can we just start over?”
………………………………..
Sometimes it’s just hard to say what you need to say. ha. ugh. (I hate accidentally quoting things). :)

Appropriate self expression is next to impossible. Sometimes I don’t even know what I mean or how I feel about things! Does anyone else identify with that frustration?

It makes me all the more grateful for the One who understands my heart even when I do not and forgives my clumsy attempts at expression or concealment.

free verse

the daffodils somehow survived seven inches of snow.
yesterday they peeked through.
this morning, they swayed “hello” when i
ran out of the house at ten past nine
there were more of them
when I came home tonight
at nine past ten.

does anyone think it strange that i
walk everywhere now with my arms open wide
inviting the zephyr to steal
my cardigan sweater
so the warm sun can touch my winter skin better?
or that i stand,
oblivious,
with my face to the sky
and my eyes shut in exhausted reverence?

spring is like hope
and hope springs eternal, they say.
and a little hope is all i really needed today.

DQ

I went to the funeral of an old friend today. A much too young friend, actually.

I did not know Devin in recent years. Honestly, the last time I talked with him was at his high school graduation in 2006. I think I said something appropriate and polite like “Congratulations” and “It’s been a long time… so good to see you.” I think he said something that made me laugh. Not unusual. :)

I met Devin when he was a month shy of his twelfth birthday. It was the very first year we did Backyard Bible Clubs at Greenleaf. I was 14 and I remember being initially frustrated that Devin and my brother (also 11) were allowed to participate. They’re just kids, right? How could they be involved in children’s ministry? How ridiculous… we’re going to have to babysit them all week long. Over the course of that week, my perspective changed. By the second day, Devin had gained the respect…and laughter…of everyone in the group. He had unbelievable wit. I’ve never met another kid who was so fast on his feet. My favorite story from that week was a moment when Devin was pretending to cram an entire piece of chocolate cake into his mouth and Christy snapped a picture of it. “We’re going to show that to your fiancee someday before she walks down the aisle. We’ll ask her, ‘do you really want to marry this guy?’” Without missing a beat, Devin replied, “What if I marry you?”

But Devin also had a spiritual maturity even at such a young age. I remember standing outside a house with him, praying for the kids inside before we went to the door to invite them to the club.

Several years later, Devin reached out to a young boy in my neighborhood. Eli was extremely withdrawn. His parents were divorcing and his life was very unstable. He wouldn’t come to the Bible club at first and when he did he wouldn’t talk to anyone… except Devin. Eli thought he was the coolest guy on earth.

I’m sure everyone who knew Devin at all has stories like these and many more. I heard some of them today at his funeral… and it made me glad that I knew Devin, even if it was only a little and for a little while.

Devin knew pain and heartache as well as laughter. Devin also knew Jesus and that gave him strength. Stephanie quoted him today, so beautifully, saying, “trust in God, and keep breathing.”

I cried when I heard about Devin’s death and I cried today. Not for him (I know he’s celebrating with all of heaven right now), but for his family and his beautiful girlfriend and everyone who loved him. Devin, you are and will be so missed.

I thought about all the friends who have walked in and out of my life. Every human being who crosses our paths changes us in some way…adds richness to our lives. Some add laughter and some make us think. Some hold us close and show us what love means. Some inspire us and some teach us and some point us to God.

I think of the famous quote from “Our Town” when Emily says, “Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it?—every, every minute?”

Do any of us human beings realize other human beings while we live with them? Do we understand the gift we have been given every time we meet someone else bearing the image of God? Every handshake, hug, word, tear, laugh… means so much more than we know.

“Our Town” was never my favorite play, structurally… but the words…wow.

“We all know that something is eternal. And it ain’t houses and it ain’t names, and it ain’t earth, and it ain’t even the stars . . . everybody knows in their bones that something is eternal, and that something has to do with human beings. All the greatest people ever lived have been telling us that for five thousand years and yet you’d be surprised how people are always losing hold of it. There’s something way down deep that’s eternal about every human being.”

Devin knew this. I’m starting to learn it.

It makes me want to call up old friends and hug my family a little tighter. I want to laugh a little louder and longer. And I want to love people much, much better.

“He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end.”

God with us.

For to us a child is born, to us a son is given,
and the government will be on his shoulders.
And he will be called
Wonderful Counselor,
Mighty God,
Everlasting Father,
Prince of Peace.
Of the increase of his government and peace there will be no end.
He will reign on David’s throne
and over his kingdom,
establishing and upholding it
with justice and righteousness
from that time on and forever.
The zeal of the LORD Almighty
will accomplish this.
-Isaiah 9:6-7

For the foolishness of God is wiser than man’s wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than man’s strength. - 1 Cor. 1:25

…the LORD has anointed me
to preach good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners,
to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor
and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn,
and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the LORD
for the display of his splendor.
-Isaiah 61:1-3

He heals the brokenhearted
and binds up their wounds. -Psalm 147:3

you are to give him the name Jesus, because he will save his people from their sins. -Matthew 1:21

Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying, “Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to men on whom his favor rests.” - Luke 2:13-14

…This grace was given us in Christ Jesus before the beginning of time, but it has now been revealed through the appearing of our Savior, Christ Jesus, who has destroyed death and has brought life and immortality to light through the gospel. - 2 Timothy 1:9b-10

“Kýrie, eléison; Christé, eléison; Kýrie, eléison.”

You have. You do. You will.
Thank You.

The season is upon us once again

Oh, it’s December now and you’ll see them everywhere…
young men and women propping their eyelids open with their fingers,
one earbud dangling
and one jammed securely in the appropriate cranial cavity.
They droop over stacks of books and jumbled notes.
They stare bleary-eyed into glowing computer screens
at all hours of the day and night.
They pray hasty prayers of repentance for time wasted
and beg silently for mercy in the eleventh hour.
Some wander the halls restlessly, clutching Red Bull cans
or Starbucks cups as life preservers.
Some sip overpriced chai lattes and try to remember summer
or imagine heaven…
for just a moment…
before their eyes cross and they start to nod into the pages.

Finals are here. Joy to the world. :)

Come, ye thankful people come…

I LOVE Thanksgiving.  It’s definitely one of my favorite holidays.  It’s low stress, a break from classes, a time to hang out with the family…and there is a ton of good food!  It escapes the consumerist overtones connected with Christmas (as much as I love Christmas, it’s the truth), it doesn’t have the emotional stresses associated with Valentine’s Day (I’m not emotional, of course… but other people are), nobody has to dress up, and the entire focus is on thanking God for His blessings.

Wow!  What an awesome, spectacular day.  Good job, pilgrims and President Lincoln. :)

I have a million and one things to be thankful for.  A lot of them are listed below in my November 10th note.

Ah… but I want to add one.  This week, I’m particularly grateful for the chance to experience a little more sleep than usual.  Mmmm…

“Sleep that knits up the ravelled sleave of care,
The death of each day’s life, sore labor’s bath,
Balm of hurt minds, great nature’s second course,
Chief nourisher in life’s feast” -Macbeth

Poor Macbeth didn’t get any sleep of course, but I have a relatively clear conscience.  *blissful sigh*

______________________________________________________________

So this week, I witnessed a drug deal and changed a tire… for the first time(s) in my life.  Yes, I guess I’m sheltered.  I’m pretty proud of myself for learning how to change a tire.  ha.  I know everyone is rolling their eyes now. Oh, well. ______________________________________________________________

Lately, I have been considering the concept of residual income… so that I can go to Egypt or the South Pole, or adopt 10 kids or whatever I want to without having to have a real job.  Any ideas?  :) Something creative, preferably.
______________________________________________________________

Ok… now I have to get back to the 4 papers I need to write over break.

_______________________________________________________________________

“Praise God from Whom all blessings flow.  Praise Him, all creatures here below.  Praise Him above, ye heavenly hosts.  Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost.  Amen.”

pax vobiscum

just wondering…

Why is it an insult to call a woman a whore or a slut and a compliment to call a man a stud?

Words.  Just words.  Words that have definitions.  :)

mmm…. life

I ate today.

I slept in a bed last night and I will again tonight.

It may be cold and drizzly, but I have a warm clothes and I got to spend most of my day in buildings where the temperature was lovely.

I saw many people I like today and they seem to like me back.   I got to talk to some of them which was fantastic.

I was hugged today.

I heard music and laughter today.

My car might break tomorrow, but it got me where I needed to go all day long.

Gas is $1.88!

I can walk, talk, hear, see, think, laugh, feel.

I can READ!

Jesus was with me all day today.

I could die right this minute and keep on living because of Him.

I live in a country where no one can try to stop me from praising Him or learning more about Him.

I have an amazing family.

A lot of my mistakes are humorous.

I GET to go to school 5 days a week and spend time learning new things.

I get to graduate from college this spring and I turned in all the papers today!

Cinnamon hazelnut coffee smells good.

I’m wearing striped socks.

I discovered wordle today (thanks, Peter V.) and it was sweet.  Here are the most commonly used words in my blog

This post may be boring to you, but I just really needed to remind myself of a few things today.  It’s good.  Life is so, SO good.

Perspective

Find rest, O my soul, in God alone;
my hope comes from him.

He alone is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.

My salvation and my honor depend on God;
he is my mighty rock, my refuge.

Trust in him at all times, O people;
pour out your hearts to him,
for God is our refuge.

Lowborn men are but a breath,
the highborn are but a lie;
if weighed on a balance, they are nothing;
together they are only a breath.

Do not trust in extortion
or take pride in stolen goods;
though your riches increase,
do not set your heart on them.

One thing God has spoken,
two things have I heard:

that you, O God, are strong,
and that you, O Lord, are loving.
Surely you will reward each person
according to what he has done.

- Psalm 62:5-12

I hope it makes you mad. I hope it makes you sick.

Dear friends,

I make no apology for the blunt and somewhat charged nature of this letter. I am only sorry that I did not write it sooner. I guess I can only hope that some of you haven’t voted early and may still be persuaded to change or make up your mind. Disclaimer: this is written to my brothers and sisters in Christ. I have no expectations that others would agree with these points as I am basing my arguments on scripture.

I was a late comer to this presidential race. Normally, I’m very politically opinionated, but I kind of lost interest and was too busy to pay much attention to the candidates after my preferred guy lost the primary. However, in the last several weeks, I’ve started to tune in and have grown more and more concerned about the potential outcome of this contest and the impact it could have on our nation’s future. Right now I have two tests I should be studying for and a lot of lines to review for a play… but this is more important to me.

I am not a one-issue voter. I disagree with Senator Obama on his mathematically challenged economics (a.k.a. socialism), his plan (or frightening lack thereof) for combating terrorism, his plan to further subsidize government run education… for preschoolers no less, and his plans to use our tax dollars for very questionable moral purposes (a.k.a. federally funded abortions and embryonic stem-cell research).

I do not agree with McCain on every matter. I am pleased by his plan for vouchers, his determination not to allow this war to become a second Vietnam, his defense of the Second Amendment, and his support for the federal Defense of Marriage Act. He also is clearly the more experienced leader of the two.

Both candidates have pledged support for various environmental reform measures and both oppose a constitutional amendment to define marriage as between one man and one woman. Both say they would shut down the infamous Guantanamo Bay prison.

I’m probably telling you things you already know. I hope I am.

I’ve heard a lot of Christ followers tell me that politics are not important for citizens of a Heavenly kingdom. I’ve heard enough Christians tell me that abortion is not an important enough issue to base a vote on. I disagree.

I will look at all the issues and ally myself with the candidate I agree most with. That said, if a candidate does not have respect for the sanctity of human life, he will never get my vote, no matter how charismatic, charming, idealistic, or brilliant he is. It is among the most basic, fundamental principles of my faith and of society as a whole. Obama is not pro-life. Obama is not even pro-choice. Obama is pro-death.

Obama opposed a ban on partial-birth abortion in his home state of Illinois. If you don’t know what partial birth abortion is, a very quick search on youtube will explain it for you. Obama also voted against the “Born-Alive Infant Protection Act” which would have required medical intervention for infants who were living after botched abortions. Try this link: Born Alive . This bill passed nearly UNANIMOUSLY on the federal level (Democrats and Republicans supported it overwhelmingly), but Barack Obama voted against it three times. Even Clinton and Kennedy voted for this bill! Obama is the most liberal senator in the U.S.

Barack Obama supports removing support from crisis pregnancy centers and opposes giving women all the information and facts about alternatives before an abortion. That can’t even legitimately be called pro-choice! He does not have the best interest of women or children in mind. He even refuses to respect the individual consciences of health care workers.

In his own words, Obama said, ‘the first thing I’d do as President is sign theFreedom of Choice Act’ (known as FOCA). This proposed legislation would create a federally guaranteed “fundamental right” to abortion through all nine months of pregnancy, including, as Cardinal Justin Rigali of Philadelphia has noted in a statement condemning the proposed Act, “a right to abort a fully developed child in the final weeks for undefined ‘health’ reasons.” In essence, FOCA would abolish virtually every existing state and federal limitation on abortion, including parental consent and notification laws for minors, state and federal funding restrictions on abortion, and conscience protections for pro-life citizens working in the health-care industry-protections against being forced to participate in the practice of abortion or else lose their jobs. The pro-abortion National Organization for Women has proclaimed with approval that FOCA would “sweep away hundreds of anti-abortion laws [and] policies.” – Robert George, Obama’s Abortion Extremism

Thousands have worked for decades to help women through crisis pregnancy centers and have been tireless in their efforts to create legislation restricting abortions. All of the results of their labor could be reversed thanks to the short term, selfish thinking of current voters.

This is an excellent video put together by Mexican film producer and actor, Eduardo Verastegui:  www.obamamustsee.com  (warning… graphic)

Obama has a 100% approval rating from NARAL (National Abortion Rights Action League). Here is the endorsement from their website.

Barack Obama is owned by the abortion industry, plain and simple. You’d have to bury your head three feet in the sand not to see it.

Randy Alcorn, a very well respected author and social justice activist, has written an excellent article on his blog about the topic.

Robert George’s detailed and accurate article on Obama’s abortion extremism can be found here.

Please, please don’t take my word for it. Just go look at the voting records.

Obama also has no qualms disregarding the fact that the president, at his inauguration, swears to “protect and defend the Constitution.” Check this out. Scary? Yes, particularly considering that our next president will probably appoint the next two or three Supreme Court Justices (whose job is to interpret the Constitution). Don’t underestimate the power this man can have with a liberal Judiciary and Congress behind him.

Isaiah 59: 1-15

1 Surely the arm of the LORD is not too short to save,
nor his ear too dull to hear.
2 But your iniquities have separated
you from your God;
your sins have hidden his face from you,
so that he will not hear.
3 For your hands are stained with blood,
your fingers with guilt.
Your lips have spoken lies,
and your tongue mutters wicked things.
4 No one calls for justice;
no one pleads his case with integrity.
They rely on empty arguments and speak lies;
they conceive trouble and give birth to evil.
5 They hatch the eggs of vipers
and spin a spider’s web.
Whoever eats their eggs will die,
and when one is broken, an adder is hatched.
6 Their cobwebs are useless for clothing;
they cannot cover themselves with what they make.
Their deeds are evil deeds,
and acts of violence are in their hands.
7 Their feet rush into sin;
they are swift to shed innocent blood.
Their thoughts are evil thoughts;
ruin and destruction mark their ways.
8 The way of peace they do not know;
there is no justice in their paths.
They have turned them into crooked roads;
no one who walks in them will know peace.
9 So justice is far from us,
and righteousness does not reach us.
We look for light, but all is darkness;
for brightness, but we walk in deep shadows.
10 Like the blind we grope along the wall,
feeling our way like men without eyes.
At midday we stumble as if it were twilight;
among the strong, we are like the dead.
11 We all growl like bears;
we moan mournfully like doves.
We look for justice, but find none;
for deliverance, but it is far away.
12 For our offenses are many in your sight,
and our sins testify against us.
Our offenses are ever with us,
and we acknowledge our iniquities:
13 rebellion and treachery against the LORD,
turning our backs on our God,
fomenting oppression and revolt,
uttering lies our hearts have conceived.
14 So justice is driven back,
and righteousness stands at a distance;
truth has stumbled in the streets,
honesty cannot enter.
15 Truth is nowhere to be found,
and whoever shuns evil becomes a prey.
The LORD looked and was displeased
that there was no justice.

If Obama wins, as many are predicting he will (thank you, thank you, my fellow college students), I won’t be moving to Canada, melting in despair, or torching the White House. I’ll be right here, praying for my president because we’re called to uphold our leaders. I’m not going to freak out and lose faith, because my salvation is in Jesus Christ, not in a president or a political system. This world is not my home… but Jesus didn’t leave us on earth so that we could ignore what is happening all around us.

My social justice friends tell me that as believers, we must take responsibility for the AIDS orphans in Africa. We are responsible for the poor, the sick, the homeless, the hungry. God has called us work to relieve the suffering of the innocents. YES! We are called to bring the life and hope of Jesus to this world. We are called to “do justice” in every way that we can. If you live in a democratic republic, that includes your vote on behalf of the most innocent.

If you vote for Obama, I won’t tell you that we can’t fellowship. I won’t stop giving you hugs or worshipping alongside you.

But I don’t pray “God bless America.” I don’t pray “God bless our president.” I can’t even pray, “God bless Your people” anymore. I pray, “God have mercy on our souls.”

We live in a nation where the people are in control. WE are the ones to blame. Don’t think that if we stay in our ivory intellectual towers, far removed from the operating room, that we remain guiltless. Just because you can’t see the blood stains on your hands, doesn’t mean they don’t exist. What’s that ultra famous quote? Oh yes… “when good men do nothing…” Hmmm…

This day I call heaven and earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live. Deuteronomy 30:19

Sorry, I can’t be chill about this. Not anymore. Call me a radical. I don’t mind. I’m in good company. I’d rather be identified with the William Wilberforces of the world than the Thomas Jeffersons. If you don’t know what I’m talking about… read a history book. :)

Am I being overdramatic? Nah… read the book of Ezekiel if you want drama. God had some pretty choice things to say about His bride killing His children and perverting justice. Yeah. He called her a whore. Go read it.

Judgmental? Who me? Leave that for good old James. He says it better.

Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn’t do it, sins. – James 4: 17

Love,
Carolyn