mercy

Monday love song… dedicated to my job. ha. Oh, what a passionately complex relationship I have with work.  (Anybody else ever feel like that)?  At least it’s never boring. 

Aaaand… I just like this music. Keeps me dancing. :)

P.S.  My last blog post was just weirdly depressing.  Maybe I shouldn’t blog at 3 a.m. after being on facebook?

ignorance

Synonyms by thesaurus.com:

benightedness, bewilderment, blindness, callowness, crudeness, darkness, denseness,disregard, dumbness, empty-headedness, fog, half-knowledge, illiteracy, incapacity, incomprehension, innocence, inscience, insensitivity, lack of education, mental incapacity, naiveté, nescience, oblivion, obtuseness, philistinism, rawness, sciolism, shallowness, simplicity, unawareness, unconsciousness, uncouthness, unenlightenment, unfamiliarity, unscholarliness, vagueness.

Is ignorance the horror of wandering around with eyes tightly shut, bumping into people and things and sin and God and not knowing the difference?

Is it the confusion of walking through life with eyes wide open–seeing everything and thickly refusing to apply observed truth to life?  After all, if we don’t really know then we can’t be judged, right? If we don’t know then we don’t have to decide, or confront, or discuss, or change anything.

Yet we call ignorance bliss for a reason. 

My friend, what do I say to you once you have revealed your thoughts?  I fear my response will be honest. After our exchange, neither of us will be ignorant anymore and we don’t really want that, do we?  This vague duplicity is so comfortable. 

So unveil your life, your constantly morphing persona… but not in a personal way.  Be utterly real without ever looking into my eyes.  Display to everyone your hobbies, your hometown, your last vacation, your sarcastic humor, your spiritual struggles. I will view them from a distance,

grieving my gained knowledge and sudden lack of authentic curiosity.  

I am obliged also to open the blinds on my windows so you may view my cluttered living room.  You, of course, would never be so rude as to tell me what you really think of it.

Hi.  I see you. You see me.  We don’t know what to say so we pretend we didn’t notice how different we’ve become.  Ignore-ance.  So nice.

twentyten resolve

I’ve always been a new year’s resolution person. A new calendar is like a new start. “This year will be different.  This year, I’ll make progress.  This year, I’ll never lose my keys!”

 I love lists and goal setting and am generally well caffeinated over the holidays, so my resolutions in the past have been pretty lofty. 

• Keep my room clean
• Be nice 
• Never get behind on the bookkeeping at work ever, ever again
• Learn to play 5 instruments and speak 3 languages
• Stop tripping over things and running into walls

You know… that kind of impossible stuff that goes out the window by the third week of January. 

While in college, I recognized my workaholic tendencies and for the last few years, my only resolution was to “have more fun.”  My dear grandmother, (from whom I inherited list-addiction), is a big fan of self-improvement and thought I had become nearly reprobate when I informed her of my new resolve.  

The thing about having workaholic tendencies is… when the books aren’t done and your homework is overdue, you CAN’T “have more fun.”  It just doesn’t work.  Going to parties and feeling guilty the whole time is awful.  Likewise, working 65 hours a week and missing LIFE with people you love is the worst feeling in the world.  Resolutions = more guilt.  Always letting someone down.  Always feeling that you’re not meeting expectations… especially your own.  Failure. 

And yet… should I lower my expectations?  Should I not shoot for the stars and try to be the heroine?  Disney will be so disappointed in me.  No one will think I’m amazing. *sigh*

I’m trying something new this year. I am not resolving to get published, write thank-you notes,  practice the piano every day, or even to take a real vacation.  But I’m still making lists. It’s in my blood. 

I’m making a good sized “stop-doing” list.  I’m making a “10 people I never want to lose” list.  I’m making a “big dreams and ideas” list.  I’m setting actual realistic work hours and I’m taking weekends off. So there. Leave a message after the beep, world.  I might call you back. 

Resolved: To create space in my life for reflection, for study, for spontaneity, and for people I love.  I will be ruthless in this pursuit.

What are your resolutions?